Taking care of myself as I do of those who depend on me

We have been confronted once again with measures that seek to respond, as best as possible, to the magnitude that this pandemic has gained worldwide. Circulation has been restricted again, access to our workplaces, to our social spaces, amplifying, in turn, contact with uncertainty, economic threat, and the underlying anxiety. Alongside a healthcare system that is being pushed to its limit, another wave of problems is already looming related to the mental health of individuals, with unmet and postponed needs that are also pushing humans to their limits.

I have been thinking about all the professionals who have been on the front lines of this pandemic. Their professional choices, along with their caregiving profiles, have required a lot from them, prompting me to wonder what space they have had to meet their needs for social contact, comfort, and care.

Although this concern is currently being triggered by an obvious and more prominent framework for frontline professionals, I admit that this concern did not only come from this moment we are going through. On the contrary, it appeared early in my life through contact with people who, through various factors, already put themselves on the "front line" of those who depend on them or at least believe they do (which I believe I may include myself in).

Sensitivity, generosity, and kindness are often the adjectives used to describe people who present a profile commonly called "altruistic" by common sense. However valuable and necessary they may be, it seems to me that we should not fail to mention the reverse side of this medal that is so deeply felt in people seeking psychological counseling: the difficulty in establishing boundaries between their self-care and the care of others close to them, the (almost) exclusive validation found in "doing good," and the negative impact on identity construction and consequently on mental health.

In the research conducted to better understand the beliefs upon which care almost exclusively oriented towards others is based, I came across a text by Jordan B. Peterson that so well reflects on the common association between self-care and the concept of selfishness. Two ideas remain from this text that I think are relevant to share to provoke reflections and changes on this type of functioning:

• Humans have the deeply ingrained awareness, deeply rooted in history and Western culture, of their enormous capacity to do evil, and that this is directly linked to permission to listen to the most individual wants and needs (I remember the famous statement "my freedom ends where others' begins" and vice versa). Early in history, the idea, and for some the fear, was established that if I'm not always thinking about others, if I don't permanently doubt my intentions towards them, or even live a life of sacrifice, I'm not avoiding the inevitable selfishness of being.
• Therefore, being attentive and having empathy for myself, for my wants, needs, resources, vulnerabilities, and defects, and dedicating myself to self-care are postures or attitudes seen as a natural imposition of this selfish essence of being and not as the equation that this represents: if I can't be good to myself, respect myself, even at my most fragile essence, I won't be able to be fully present and care for others; it's about "loving others as myself" and not loving others more than myself.

The awareness and shame felt by many regarding the inevitable fragility/flaw of being often raise doubts if we are really deserving of care, respect, and attention, both from others and from ourselves and, in opposition, create space for the idea that living for others makes us more capable of confronting this same inevitability.

However, issues related to self-care seem to be gradually receiving more attention and appreciation, notably their relevance to mental health, but also to how we are in our relationships. It has become more evident, contrary to what we sometimes believe and as the author suggests, that self-care has not one, but two results, as it is primarily through this that we can be more fully present and care for others.

Taking care of ourselves as we do of those who depend on us is in itself a necessity and a duty of the human being - which can range from seeking what we want or what makes us happy, to providing basic care that ensures our physical and psychological well-being. We should indeed be able to know and understand ourselves and, just as we share our resources with others, we should be able to do the same with ourselves.

Sofia Sousa de Macedo