Communication in the couple: how can cumulative damage be prevented?

The ability to communicate effectively can be a transformative force in a relationship, strengthening the bonds that keep couples together, so that we may hear more often phrases like "we can talk about anything" rather than "we can't talk anymore".

Communication is a central aspect of human interaction. It can be defined as a process of exchanging information, ideas, thoughts, intentions, feelings, or emotions between individuals. We cannot do without communicating, verbally or non-verbally. Everything is communication, even silence.

Several authors consider communication skills as one of the main factors of satisfaction among couples. In the same vein, when, from a positive perspective, we talk about our partner with friends and family, we often use expressions referring to communication skills, such as "we don't even need to talk to understand each other", "it seems like they always know what I need", or "we always have something to talk about". However, the opposite also happens. Invariably, couples going through relationship difficulties (constant arguments, breakup processes, recent separations, among others) use expressions like "I didn't hear the warnings", "I didn't understand the signs", "I made it clear" or "we couldn't talk anymore", "we didn't listen to each other"... But was there a lack of interest from the receiver or clear communication from the sender? Were they attentive and engaged?

In a hierarchy of factors that strengthen a relationship, understanding and communication emerge in the top three positions. Communication, together with knowledge about the couple, is considered the main tool for developing the relationship and strengthening intimacy. In other words, we are talking about a dynamic system, subject to biases, of each individual from an individual perspective or of the system as a whole.

From a practical perspective, adequate communication is an opportunity to discover the limits of intolerance and vulnerability or immature areas, which lead us to react in a certain way to our partner's words or actions. That is, adequate communication excludes:

• contempt and insults;
• defensive attitudes such as excuses, counterattacks, shirking responsibility, among others;
• assumptions or preconceived ideas;
• accusations.

John Gottman, a renowned researcher in the field of relationships, identified and described four destructive behaviors that corrode relationships, which he called the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse":

• Criticism (negative judgments or attacks on the partner's character, which go far beyond a complaint about something done to become a personal attack);
• Contempt (often considered one of the most destructive behaviors in a relationship, it stems from a sense of superiority and goes beyond criticism, involving a deep sense of disrespect, scorn, or sarcasm);
• Defensiveness (constant victimization of one or both members of the couple, seeking excuses and not taking responsibility for their actions, creating entropy for productive communication);
• Stonewalling or Withdrawal (refers to one of the couple's elements withdrawing from interaction, refusing to engage or respond to the other, leading to a breakdown in communication).

Identifying and focusing on these patterns, we can prevent cumulative damage in relationships and take action towards improving the relationship. To do this, we must:

• focus on the other, using active listening, with uninterrupted free time from third-party interruptions or distractions from phones or TVs;
• be present, aware of our emotions, and focused on what we really want to say;
• communicate clearly, ensuring that the other understands what we want to convey;
• show empathy, putting ourselves in the other's shoes, in order to better understand their feelings and needs, even if we disagree;
• be honest;
• not accuse or blame the other, opting to refer to the situation or uncomfortable behavior and expressing the feelings that arise from it;
• avoid using "You", replacing it with "I", focusing on expressing the feelings and emotions that arise in us without putting the partner in a defensive position;
• accept our responsibility in the problem or conflict;
• be willing to forgive;
• focus on conflict resolution;
• seek professional help - Couple and Family Therapy can be invaluable.

In general, a good way to resolve a conflict is to make the other person understand that we can see things from their perspective, even if we don't agree, which contributes to increasing the capital of positive feelings between the couple. In fact, the struggle for balance between positive and negative interactions defines the "magic ratio" of five positive interactions for every negative interaction. Couples who can maintain this ratio tend to have more pleasant and lasting relationships. To do this, we must focus on a style of clear communication, with a minimum of dark and undefined areas, subject to the interpretations and emotions of each member of the couple.

Article published on Sapo 24

João Ferreira da Silva

Managing Partner
Clinical Psychologist for Adults